Don't Give Up
-While this post is meant to encourage, it may be a trigger for some people-
In hindsight, the theme for the 2017 Regional Convention was perfect. Don't Give Up. In one way, shape, or form we are all battling different problems in our day to day lives. The Faithful and Discreet Slave know our struggles and give us the spiritual food we need at the right time. It's no secret that I have struggled with negative feelings practically all my life, I even have mentioned it in my previous blogs. I suffer from Major Depression, Bipolar Disorder, Anxiety, and a number of other invisible illnesses. My mood disorders are a constant daily battle, and I have had to go to the emergency room twice for wanting to end my life. 2016 and 2017 were two of the most challenging years I have ever experienced.
I not only suffered emotionally but spiritually as well. I started to draw away from Jehovah, not because I resented him, but because I forgot to rely on him. I felt like I was putting a wall up between us. I'm still trying to break that wall down, even today. I hit my breaking point this past summer. My elders had noticed how bad I had been struggling. They suggested that I move back to English to repair my relationship with Jehovah. At first, this was detrimental to me. I felt worthless and as though I had failed Jehovah. Chinese was my life, my home, and now it was gone. Looking back now, I realize how wrong that way of thinking was. I had completely forgotten why I was learning Chinese in the first place.
I felt like I had hit rock bottom and there was no way to escape. I planned to give up and end my life. I had nothing to live for anymore, or so I had thought. Caitlyn, my best friend, took me to the Emergency Room after I had confided in her. Hours went by as I lay in a dark room by myself, with just my thoughts to keep me company. I have trouble putting my thoughts into prayers, but I know Jehovah was able to read my heart.
A small glimmer of hope... I knew that if I just made it to the next day, everything would be alright. I had made plans to attend the Regional Convention with Caitlyn and her, then, fiance Eric that weekend. The very next day had happened to be the first day of the convention. My mind was made up and I had to get out of the ER. I eventually convinced the doctors that I was okay to be released, perhaps bending the truth just a little.
Jehovah answered my broken prayer tenfold. Every single issue that I was currently facing, in one way or another, was addressed throughout the weekend. That small glimmer of hope began to grow. I felt encouraged. My will to live was back. I did not want to give up!
The interesting part was, this was not our assigned convention. Our convention was the following weekend. I was only able to attend the Sunday session of ours. The last talk I will never forget. The speaker was a member of the Bethel Family. Before he concluded his talk, he shared with the audience an experience of a sister who attended the convention the week prior. This sister had planned to end her life, but the next day went to the regional convention instead and decided not to give up. I realized immediately that this experience was my own. I began to cry like a baby, not because of the experience, but the fact that as soon as the words left the speakers mouth, the thunderous applause of 8,500 people filled the room. MY experience had encouraged all of THEM. My brothers and my sisters were happy that I choose life. I suddenly did not feel alone anymore.
In hindsight, the theme for the 2017 Regional Convention was perfect. Don't Give Up. In one way, shape, or form we are all battling different problems in our day to day lives. The Faithful and Discreet Slave know our struggles and give us the spiritual food we need at the right time. It's no secret that I have struggled with negative feelings practically all my life, I even have mentioned it in my previous blogs. I suffer from Major Depression, Bipolar Disorder, Anxiety, and a number of other invisible illnesses. My mood disorders are a constant daily battle, and I have had to go to the emergency room twice for wanting to end my life. 2016 and 2017 were two of the most challenging years I have ever experienced.
I not only suffered emotionally but spiritually as well. I started to draw away from Jehovah, not because I resented him, but because I forgot to rely on him. I felt like I was putting a wall up between us. I'm still trying to break that wall down, even today. I hit my breaking point this past summer. My elders had noticed how bad I had been struggling. They suggested that I move back to English to repair my relationship with Jehovah. At first, this was detrimental to me. I felt worthless and as though I had failed Jehovah. Chinese was my life, my home, and now it was gone. Looking back now, I realize how wrong that way of thinking was. I had completely forgotten why I was learning Chinese in the first place.
I felt like I had hit rock bottom and there was no way to escape. I planned to give up and end my life. I had nothing to live for anymore, or so I had thought. Caitlyn, my best friend, took me to the Emergency Room after I had confided in her. Hours went by as I lay in a dark room by myself, with just my thoughts to keep me company. I have trouble putting my thoughts into prayers, but I know Jehovah was able to read my heart.
A small glimmer of hope... I knew that if I just made it to the next day, everything would be alright. I had made plans to attend the Regional Convention with Caitlyn and her, then, fiance Eric that weekend. The very next day had happened to be the first day of the convention. My mind was made up and I had to get out of the ER. I eventually convinced the doctors that I was okay to be released, perhaps bending the truth just a little.
Jehovah answered my broken prayer tenfold. Every single issue that I was currently facing, in one way or another, was addressed throughout the weekend. That small glimmer of hope began to grow. I felt encouraged. My will to live was back. I did not want to give up!
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| "真朋友时刻显出爱心, 像兄弟为共患难而生" 真言 17：17 |
The interesting part was, this was not our assigned convention. Our convention was the following weekend. I was only able to attend the Sunday session of ours. The last talk I will never forget. The speaker was a member of the Bethel Family. Before he concluded his talk, he shared with the audience an experience of a sister who attended the convention the week prior. This sister had planned to end her life, but the next day went to the regional convention instead and decided not to give up. I realized immediately that this experience was my own. I began to cry like a baby, not because of the experience, but the fact that as soon as the words left the speakers mouth, the thunderous applause of 8,500 people filled the room. MY experience had encouraged all of THEM. My brothers and my sisters were happy that I choose life. I suddenly did not feel alone anymore.
Nearly eight months later, I still struggle with my new assignment in English. I long for the day where I can return to Chinese. I am blessed to have a husband who is so supportive of our spiritual routine. Jehovah knew that by myself I had a hard time staying focused, but now that Cameron is there to take the lead, I am confident that my spirituality will only continue to grow. We have many goals that we wish to accomplish together, and we hope to join the Chinese Group again ASAP.
Moral of this story: Don't Give Up, friends. Satan continues to attack us daily. He wants to destroy our spirituality by any means necessary. Every meeting, every assembly, and convention we are reminded to pray, do personal study, and read the Bible daily. I can not express enough how important this is. I know first hand that sometimes this information seems repetitive, and will go in one ear and out the other, but please take this advice with the utmost importance. We are so close to the end, we can not afford to let our spirituality slip. It could cost us our life. You have a WORLDWIDE brotherhood that is cheering for you, even when you feel like you are alone. Never ever give up.
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