~The Joys of Pioneer School... Or Not...

Living with a Mental Illness, or multiple rather, you learn that things in life are just beyond your control. It makes the challenges you face ten times more difficult. Unfortunately, I suffer from Major Depression, Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Anxiety, and Social Anxiety. I also suffer from Chronic Pain (an undiagnosed illness, currently pending). Every single day is a fight for my life. In the past six years of being in the Chinese field, my conditions have only grown worse. 

My main goal for my blog is to encourage others, so please don’t think of this post as a pity party. But I know sooooo many friends who are in similar circumstances, and i want to reach out and let them know they are not alone. 

In 2014 I had the wonderful privilege of being invited to go to Pioneer School for the Chinese field. Instead of attending locally with various English congregations, I got to travel 8 hours to Orlando to attend with friends who were also in our Chinese circuit. There were two different schools held. 1) English catered towards the Chinese field 2) Chinese for the Native speakers. I, of course, would attend the first, along with another sister from our group. 

Summer of 2014 was a GREAT summer. Or at least it started off great. It was the same summer of the International conventions that started the video tie-ins. It still is my absolute favorite convention. I attended it 3 times. Twice in English and once in Chinese. It was also the year of the final live action drama. I had the privilege to be part of the cast as well. 

In fact, the day our congregation preformed was the day before I left for Pioneer School. I was on cloud nine. Jehovah was giving me blessing after blessing. If you are familiar with mental illnesses though, you know that those kind of highs are short lived. Eventually you come crashing back down, and hard. 

I was approached by someone before I left who said some terribly discouraging things to me. This triggered the fall. Suddenly my world flipped. I was no longer on that cloud, happy as could be. I was suddenly in the darkness struggling to breath. I no longer wanted to attend pioneer school. I felt worthless. I Just wanted to lay in my bed for the entire week. 

But I went anyways.  

Everyone who attends pioneer school loves it. They practically come back glowing and are so excited to share what they learn. Unfortunately, this was not my experience. I feel like I am the only pioneer in the world to not enjoy pioneer school. That one moment before I left shaped the outcome of my entire trip. I wish more than anything i could have just “thought happy thoughts” and make the pain go away, but mental illness is a serious disease and does not work that way. 

The whole week, instead of learning new techniques for the ministry, I was plotting how I would commit suicide once I got home. I barely socialized. I didn’t participate in class. And I cried every moment I was alone. A small hateful and bitter feeling began to rise, too. I felt like I was robbed of my joy. To this day, I still fight with this feeling. 

This was the first year with the new book, as well. I did not know what to expect and neither did other pioneers. There was no one to ask, so my anxiety spiked. I had no idea what to do with the book beforehand, so much of it was left unstudied. Due to being emotionally unstable during the school, not much changed. The feeling of worthlessness grew when I would hear everyone participating and answering questions. I would think to myself “Why can’t I be like them?”, “I’m a failure as a pioneer.”, ect. These negative thoughts plagued me. 

Looking back though, I did have one moment that I’m am proud of. On the last day, I made the effort to comment. It was my only comment for the entire week. The question immediately struck my interest because it was so personal. It was perfect and felt like Jehovah made it just for me. Trying to hold back tears, I was able to explain my struggles with depression. It was very short, but very powerful. And I could feel the love and support from the friends as soon as I expressed myself. It was my small glimmer of hope. 

As I already stated, my mental and physical health only continued to get worse after that time. I was not making my required hours and had to come off the pioneer list the following summer. At times, I feel like I never recovered from that setback and have been trying to regain my joy ever since. 

I know my mental health and this system is to blame though. Five years later, I understand my health issues a lot better and have better coping mechanisms. I can recognize my limitations and when I’m slipping into negative feelings. They are still a problem, but I can manage my illnesses better. I wish I could go back and redo my week in school. However, we can not change the past. We can only pray and work hard to shape our future. We must continue to throw our burdens on Jehovah and rely on him to get us through the tough times. Paradise is right around the corner and I couldn’t be more relieved. There is hope in knowing that one day, all these dark thoughts that I am constantly fighting will be a thing of the past. One day I’ll be able to be happy all the time. What a wonderful hope to look forward to. 

I have a goal to get back on the list again with my husband. I look forward to returning to pioneer school and benefiting fully from this wonderful provision. I can’t wait to experience it how it was meant to be experienced!

Special Campaign Right After Pioneer School